


He Feels Nothing

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Luxu!! I've Heard Enough.  /Chain of Hearts [9]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: F/M, In this verse Subject X is Skuld because I had to decide, M/M, Rating for later chapters, Spoilers for KH III, crossovers later, headcanons galore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:40:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22332034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Saix feels nothing, because, after all, he is a Nobody.He feels Nothing...But how can he feel nothing, if a Nobody isn't supposed to feel anything? He has no Heart. And definitely not any stray pieces of another. With his brain, he knows that. With his mind, he-The 'Nothing' is an intense feeling, shockingly. The 'Nothing' bites, it burns, it brings him to brinks of madness. Nobodies feel nothing, or so was Isa told. Nobodies don't feel anything at all.Isa is tired of feeling 'nothing' - no, 'Nothing'.He'd rather feel something 'happy' or 'upset' or 'slightly irritated' or even 'suicidal' or 'murderous'. Anything! Lea appeared to feel things, even as Nobody, but no wonder - Lea was special, was chosen by the universe. Was what people in some cultures probably called 'a god'. While Isa wasn't.****EDIT: everything was edited, and there are slight plot changes. This is definitive version now. Anyway, this won't happen again, I promise. Can now be started at beginning.
Relationships: Axel & Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Axel/Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa & Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Isa/Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi & Lea (Kingdom Hearts), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Series: Luxu!! I've Heard Enough.  /Chain of Hearts [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576777
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. Of course the fool shall leave too, so don't you lie to my face (I'll keep him from leaving over your dead body)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Next chapter, working title, " Ἁρμαγεδών | Part 3 out of 5" 
> 
> EDIT: Next chapter in April.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saïx can spend some minutes feeling nothing, blissfully, but then, one glance at Axel, and then feel Nothing, like a cold burn, like a grating, like a ringing in ears, but not in ears but in non-heart instead (he didn't have a Heart now, did he? Why wasn't he sure? He'd know, so... he surely didn't have a Heart...)... for many, many, many days afterwards.
> 
> Or once glance at Xemnas.
> 
> Or any one note of Demyx's music can agitate the Nothing, too. (That's why he hat-- pretends to hate the man, as he can't really hate with non-heart, now can he... only nothing, and Nothing...)
> 
> Or looking at the moon. Or a sunset.
> 
> And then he can feel Nothing, and wishes to feel anything different, with all that's left of him, if anything is left of Isa at all.

And so, it came to this. Of course Roxas was leaving the Organisation. Saïx dreamt of that every night, and now, part of him, felt... no, he corrected himself, remembered feeling - relief.

Unlike in his surely realistic dreams, even if not yet divinations, each time Roxas would, well, 'hand in his permanent resignation', so to speak, he wouldn't leave alone, of course not.... Indeed, each time, L---Axel would leave the Organisation hand in hand in Roxas.

Naturally.

But now, Roxas was leaving. And perhaps Roxas would even be able to leave, somehow, though usually leaving wasn't possible. Roxas would perhaps be able to leave, because Roxas was a singularity. And Axel wasn't leaving the--

Is--- Saïx felt -- no, suddenly remembered feeling, right now - excruciatingly happy about this. If Axel was staying - surely not for Saïx, but perhaps for Subject X - then surely, not everything was lost?

Still, it was all too suspicious.

"Where's Axel?" the blue-haired man asked this rotten keyblade boy, eyes narrowed.

"I don't care."

"Is he going to pretend somebody can just walk through this door unscathed?"

"Geez, you think Axel tells me anything anymore without lies and lies about--" Roxas began saying, and then, he trailed off. He _looked_ at Saïx. Which was a rare thing indeed, and suddenly, Is--- Saïx felt uncomfortable.

Suddenly, Roxas smirked. Or- did he?

And then, Roxas said, "Actually, I almost forgot," Roxas said, sounding as if he remembered how to sound sarcastic - was Sora ever sarcastic, Saïx wondered - he should ask Le--NO. No, he shouldn't.

"Almost forgot, but, Axel said he's gonna leave this stupid Castle next week. He just needs to pack first, see, and then maybe buy some Claymore repellants. And then--"

Roxas suddenly stopped mid-sentence. But why? Saïx couldn't understand why he'd stop such taunt in mid sentence. He couldn't understand. He also couldn't understand why Roxas's eyes widened in a poorly pretended shock. Why Roxas took a step back and immedaitely summoned the Keyblade.

And why Isa's scar was now hurting like hell.

And why Roxas looked as if, right now, no, not scared anymore, but resolute and determined, and angry, but very focused. He couldn't undertand why he, Saïx, suddenly felt his own Claymore, the Lunatic, in his own hand, in a split-second, even though that was impossible because summoning it took three seconds at minimum, always. Was any of this real? Or was it another dream?

He also couldn't understand why everything in his mind was suddenly drowned out by memories of Axel, of Lea, everywhere. Everywhere. Each and all of the moments.

Well, fine, he could still Roxas, and they were fighting now, but that didn't matter.

Was Roxas lying?

"Even that fool, too, he can feel nothing!" Saïx shouted, or thought he did. Perhaps he only imagined it. Lea - what was left of Lea - could feel nothing. Regrettably. Only some play pretend. And - he couldn't understand what was left of Isa, he would surely understand, Axel would surely understand, Lea, _his_ Lea would, if, instead of feeling nothing, not a thing, only pretend, he felt Nothing, like Saïx, but-

(NO! _I don't want that_

 _perhaps I do, but... I don't )_ he thought, and- yes, that, he only imagined, and perhaps saying that Axel couldn't feel a thing, he imagined, too, simply--

But then, how come Roxas looked as if he heard that imagined scream, that couldn't be? How strange. How very strange. Everything was foggy, everything was now filtered through moonlight that wasn't, and so-- ah, right. No wonder he was in such a mood.

Berserk. Or rather, a pale imitation of what it'd be, had he even a sliver of a Heart.

 _~~Stop. This is too early for you to die.~~ _

It was a command, he felt, somewhere, deep inside, to stop fighting Roxas for now, so that he wouldn't desintegrate now--- ah, but. The Moon would let him ignore any command. How freeing.

Would, perhaps, let him tear Roxas into pieces

_~~The keyblade wielder is needed, you won't~~ _

Would let him do that, the Moon would, no matter some stranger inside- what? No, there was no stranger.

_~~No stranger indeed. Stop.~~ _

No, he wouldn't stop. There was too much Lea in his head now, perhaps a bit more Lea than the stranger, strangely enough, and that, that would allow him to tear Roxas into pieces, he hoped.

Now, he just had to be whether his prowess was greater than

~~it is not. so stop. is needed-~~

whether his prowess was greater than the keybearer's.

Ignoring something in some dark recesses that weren't ordering him to stop - no, he couldn't, Saïx couldn't quite ignore it, but oh, the Moon could, which is why he now gave himself to it fully.

The Moon had a bit more of the power than the imaginary stranger in dark recesses who had no right to exist.

And so, he now began fighting Roxas in the earnest. When did Sora steal the remnants of Lea's Heart - no, of Lea's memories, anyway, and how???

Is--- Saïx wouldn't let go, would take back what was his. Roxas wouldn't leave this castle - no, for surely, if Roxas left, L---Axel would follow.

Well then. A dead body - no, Nobodies didn't leave those behind... a faded Nothingness would be nothing for Axel to follow, and so, Axel would have to stay. For that, Roxas had to die.

And perhaps, Saïx could even find some memory of enjoyment in killing him. Two birds with one stone.

Again, he imagined an order to stop fighting Roxas so brutally.

The Moon let him ignore the order for the next few minutes or ages - in this state, he never knew how long. Maybe a second. Maybe forever.

Some part of him that maybe wanted to be called Isa suddenly wondered if Lea truly felt Nothing. Or only nothing.

Saïx grinned. He hoped, with all his heart - heart - he didn't have one? - that, right now, Axel felt, not nothing, but Nothing. Oh, to have a guarantee of that - he'd gladly tear himself into pieces if he had it on good authority, that, that... that it'd make, for one second, that... that, over that, for one second, Axel, who perhaps felt nothing, or felt some memories, some lies, would instead, for a split second, feel Nothing.

Because L-- Axel didn't appear to feel the.... Nothing.

Perhaps - perhaps if Roxas were to fade, L--- Axel would feel that. THAT. Nothing. Not nothing, **Nothing.**

Roxas was suddenly so strong, through the haze of moonlight I---Saïx could see that clearly, but... perhaps, he, Saïx, too, would fade...

Ah, if he had any shred of certainty that, if Axel was to come here in an hour and learn that Roxas and Saïx killed each other and faded, that for a moment Axel would truly feel THAT, would feel Nothing-- if he had such a guarantee, Saïx would use up all of himself, for that.

And then, he tried to do so anyway - but somehow, he wasn't permitted. Why? Was there something stronger out there than the moon itself? How?

Did the imaginary stranger from his nightmares exist, perhaps, after all?

Ridiculous.

*********

Roxas left. Saïx didn't die. Axel didn't leave the Organisation that day.

Nothing made sense. Really, nothing did. Why didn't Roxas finish him off? Perhaps he didn't 'feel' like it. And now, Axel seemed all but ready to go after Roxas. Pretending to feel lonely, pretending to 'miss'.

As far away from feeling Nothing, Lea seemed, as possible. Dammit. Why, then, when Saïx felt asleep that night, he dreamt of Lea, and felt glad that it seems that Lea doesn't feel the Nothing? Strange dream. Must've been food poisoning or exhaustion from battling the Nobody keybearer.

Precisely. And when he looked into the mirror that morning, his eyes seemed slightly less yellow, but only for a second, and then, they were more. Nothing. Nothing mattered, more than Lea- but. The past was in the past. Let it go. But, could S----could Isa, if... No, Nothing was left of Isa. Or was there?

But so much seemed left of Lea. No, no letting go. Is--- Saïx suddenly decided, despite the fact that, if Nothing was a person, it'd seem to protest - Axel was not going to desert. Axel was never going to desert. Chained or gagged or whatever, Axel was not going to desert. Is--- Saïx would not let Axel leave the castle, for now.

Ah, but how? If Is-- Saïx was to sleep next night, or the night after that, who's to say Axel wouldn't, during some mission, simply leave to follow that new pretend love of his? How was he to make sure...

And so, Saïx decided not to sleep. He was Nothing, he didn't need to sleep.

****

After eighty hours passed, it felt somewhat tingly and heavy. Still manageable enough for Saïx. He was fine - fine enough. And what a blissful sense of clarity there came when some imaginary personification of Nothing couldn't reach him in his dreams, for, for the last eighty hours, he did not dream. If somebody called him Isa now - if it was Lea - he could almost believe--- "Axel," he said, to what was left to Lea. If, now, he could in return hear his own old name, he could-- he could-- could what?? Well, could, could, Something, he knew not-- "Shut up. You almost killed Roxas! And drove him away." L--Axel said, in reply. Instead of saying his name. How could he?? Why wouldn't he say his name????!!! Why?! Roxas, only Roxas mattered now, to everyone, apparently! Something... was elusive. As always. No, perhaps it never existed.

***********

Somewhere in the depths, something was hanging by a thread. It was something that wasn't exactly Nothing. By a very thin thread. Somewhere, surrounded by stained glass. Perhaps -- in some dreams. Or pehaps he only imagined it, Is--Saïx did. But, no, he Knew - somewhere, something that was himself, was hanging by a very thin thread called Axe--- called Lea.

And so, every day, he'd put more weight on that thread - that was a natural reaction, wasn't it?

After all, that thin thread was invincible --- if Is--- Saïx ever had a religion, or a faith, that'd be its tenant. Nothing mattered, and even Nothing, grating as it was, nails on the chalkboard, or perhpas a clang of a claymore against a sword, or just nails on a chalkboard, slightly more grating than even Demyx's music (which he also hated - no, remembered hating - how did he remember to hate it, when his Heart had no memories of it from when it existed?), didn't matter in the long run - his anger, his exhaustion, his resignation, his hope, he'd hang all that on that thin thread called Axel, so that it wouldn't be lost.

So that it wouldn't be lost.

Forever. Because Lea was strong, and could take it, surely. That belief-- Was, perhaps, damning, he'd think, if there was less Nothing.

(Imagine hanging a moon on the sun for support, would a sun feel it, before a moon burnt? surely not)

Belief... Perhaps. Surely the sun would feel nothing - no, not nothing, would feel not a thing... caring now only for Roxas and Xi--- who? Caring naught for anything else. Naught.


	2. Short Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After ninety hours of no sleep, Is--- Saïx falls asleep.
> 
> He's weak, that's the only explanation.
> 
> After all, Axel is awake whenever, asleep whenever, and his eyes are not yellow, never. That must take... incredible strength, Is--- Saïx thinks. Of course. Of course Axel is strong. The only reason, for example, Saïx still searches for Subject X, for X, for 'Key', as Lea dubbed her in the previous life, is Axel. Only for Axel. Why else? After all, Saïx can't feel 'Love', can only feel 'Nothing', and so, in Saïx's eyes, it's obvious that Axel is the only nonperson around who pretends to love her, just like Axel pretends to love Roxas and Xi--- who?
> 
> If so, why, then, despite the love, L---Axe--- Lea suddenly seems like he barely even pretends that X existed, that they wanted to meet her for real, uncaged?

After ninety hours of no sleep, Is--- Saïx falls asleep. He does that when Axel is out on the mission. How does he know that Axel is out on the mission? Well, that's easy. When Axel is far away, all of Saïx's strength returns. The air is quiet, he's invigorated, he's strong, he has a sense of purpose,the Kingdom Hearts outside the window is the most beautiful thing, his movements aren't sluggish, his mind is clear - almost no NOISE, he feels he has a purpose, a use, is a part of... something... is neeeded by the universe. And well, the world is almost quiet, blissfully quiet, almost no nails on the chalkboard. Very quiet, if any. That's always how he recognise that Axel isn't in the vicnicity. Does he like it? He doesn't know (and when the castle's so quiet, there are voices, voice of nonexistentent imaginary person who could be Xemnas or Xehanort or Xigbar, deep inside, and DOES he like it? had he a Heart, he'd shudder and sweat at the question, at such question without the helpful maddening noise to quieten the not-Xemnas deep inside - but, ah, of course it's not like he wants the NOISE, he LOATHES the NOISE, of clung clung clung, of screech, of nails on the chalkboard, he loathes it, it's just, it's just, it's just... safe... but how...?) (of course he loathes the noise that not one other Nobody even hears, he does NOT want to be a madman, insane and lost in some noise, _so why, when the noise is gone_ , _he, like a needy toddler, ache_ s-- and tries to think _of Key, and of L---aXel, no, of Lea, and of Key, and of long ago Ventus and Kairi even, but_ when he thinks, the NOISE comes back, and is he mad, to, to, to... on purpose... no, that's just his _imagination, there is no noise, and there NEVER WERE any noises so loud, so aching, so-_ \- his---( _as in belonging--as in shutting the mouth of nonexistent not-Xehan--no..._ ), and surely _the very question means_ Saïx is........ _too weak. Still lying to myself that there ever was, after that day, anything left to salvage of my Heart... it's best to... stop lying...  
_

_(now, if it was to be found in Kingdom Hearts, perhaps, I'd search for it, I WILL search for it, I'll find... mine... Lea's....and hers. I will! But, I'll find it easier without the fucking noise, so, why... when there is none... when I'm strong... it's hard to think of searching....? I'm. Weak. Useless. At most, when I'm strong. HOw? Why?_

He's weak, that's the only explanation.

After all, Axel is awake whenever, asleep whenever, and his eyes are not yellow, never. That must take... incredible strength, Is--- Saïx thinks. Of course. Of course Axel is strong. The only reason, for example, Saïx still searches for Subject X, for X, for 'Key', as Lea dubbed her in the previous life, is Axel. Only for Axel. Why else? After all, Saïx can't feel 'Love', can only feel 'Nothing', and so, in Saïx's eyes, it's obvious that Axel is the only nonperson around who pretends to love her, just like Axel pretends to love Roxas and Xi--- who?

If so, why, then, despite the love, L---Axe--- Lea suddenly seems like he barely even pretends that X existed, that they wanted to meet her for real, uncaged?

Merely his imagination. Ax-- Lea wouldn't forget. Lea wouldn't forget her - for, unlike Isa, she was surely still a person, and Lea wouldn't forget A PERSON.

Saïx wasn't. Lea wouldn't forget another person, and Axel forgot Saïx. Which, which.. meant, inevitably, irrevocably, that Saïx wasn't a person. He knew that, because... Ax--- Lea--- was the greatest authority on people, Hearts, and memories. To him.

If Axel said something, it was a lie, and that was true, indeed, certainly. But if Axel pretended to feel something, that, to Is--- Saïx, that to him, was... a doctrine of Isa's faith, indeed.

That's how he knew he was, now, changed, Saïx was, less and less of a person, and more and more, the NOTHING. He could see that in L-- Axel's eyes, not yellow, but still like old ones, still true, and that's how he knew.

_Lea, I changed. And if you say I'm not a person - that's probably true._

_That's why you don't want to save me-- wait, what from? In fire... one doesn't save an old stinking photograph before saving children. That's... that must be just it._

_But it hurts - no, it can't hurt, not where there's NOTHING._

_Surely--_

_******************_

After ninety four hours of no sleep, Saïx falls asleep, because he still has a body. And he remembers, and he dreams, nightmares mixed with old memories. In dream, trying to get away from overwhelming Nothing, which parts are true memories, and which parts are imagination, it's impossible to tell.

Especially since he's not a person. Just ask Axel.

No, not a persona non grata which would be fine for a while, just... not a person anymore, in Axel's (Lea's, what left of him..) eyes. So it must be true. Lea is a liar, but, he's true...

Perhaps _because_ he's such an honest liar. And so, long ago, Isa had learnt to... had learnt to let Lea's words wash over him, drowning them out, not listening. Listening only to those true gaze of his best friend instead. Lea's eyes - they never lied.

And Isa was proud to be, for years, exluding Lea's parents, the only person who heard every word that Lea wanted to say but didn't say.

Most proud.

Nobody could take that away from him, and nothing--

Perhaps Nothing could. But he wouldn't let it easily.

(Did Nothing exist??? that'd be... terrifying... if it existed outside sick imagination... )

*******************

Memories. Nightmares. After not sleeping for too long, where did memory end and nightmare beging? They mixed in his nonheart.... trying to ward from Nothing... but, that, too, never existed, certainly. Nobody else in Isa's heart but Isa, right?

Sometimes, Saïx wasn't sure. If he got his Heart back someday - would it be his? Why... wasn't he.... quite sure... . And even the moon seemed uncertain. Memories, nightmares, mixed... he didn't sleep for too long. Memories- but which happened, and which he imagined?

No matter, as long as he could escape Nothing. Please. So, he allowed the body sleep--

***************

_"But it's horrible! She sounds, like, our age!! And she's caged like a feral animal!"_

_"I never said it's not horrible. But one loser can't get her out from well-guarded castle, okay? You'd only land in a cage next to hers."_

_"And what would you, then?"_

_"I'd kill myself."_

_"Poor joke, Isa. But... good to know you care, bud. Thanks - for cheering me up. You know what? We should--"_

_"Break into the castle again, and talk to 'Key' again?"_

_"Heh, Isa, you're a wizard! You've just read my mind!"_

_"It has one page, it's easy to read."_

_"Pfeh. How many pages does your mind have, Is?"_

_"One billion."_

_"That's too many. Any pictures?"_

_"Mayhaps of the moon. And of you."_

_"Booooriiiiiiing. Put some pictures of frisbees there. Heh."_

_"I hate frisbees."_

_"Yea, I know, you find them lame. Well, I'll show ya. Angard!"_

_"It's en guard."_

_"Eeeeeeehhhh, who cares?!"_

_"I do."_

_"Eh, rarely. I know you."_

_"Apparently. Anyway, Lea, unless we were scientists, we can't release Key-"_

_"Stop taling about that now, you're supposed to cheer me up, not drag me back there, kay... tomorrow we'll break her out or something, but now, let's forget..."_

_"What, no gettting memorised!"_

_"Nah, it's just too depressing! She's like us, but she. Isn't here. Can't breathe fresh air. Can't play with frisbees. It's just too sad, you know?"_

_"Yeah..."_

_Later... That night, Isa tried breaking into the castle alone. Lea never learnt of that, later, and still doesn't know. He never told him._

_Only one person knows, save Isa._

_Braig._

_"Hmm, a kiddo in love, huh? With Skuld? Or with Lea?"_

_Who's.... Skuld? Whatever. Braig... that guard was always speaking nonsense. Isa knew that._

_"But that only means - well, keep keeping on, moonboy. Someday you may be worthy."_

_"Worthy of what? Do you think I could become an apprentice?"_

_"Ha, who knows? May your Heart be your guiding key. And I'd make sure he gives you some reward. Maybe the reward. Hm..."_

_"You mean, seeing her???"_

_"It'd be a reward, wouldn't it? Well, ciao, you'll probably try breaking in again, with your fiery bud, but that's just not the way."_

_"But, apprentice... could Lea be one, too?"_

_"Ciao."_

_And off he went. Isa never tried breaking in alone again, afterwards, only together with Lea, as there was this horrible feeling, that otherwise, he'd be separated from Lea and from possibly meeting Key for real, forever..._

_Eh. Perhaps he was taking that castle guard, Braig, just too seriously. He wasn't even strong like Dilan. So why did Braig seem more scary, somehow?_

_Just imagination._

_********_

_"'Mister' Braig," freshly made apprentice of Lord Ansem the Wise, said, trying not to sound as sarcastic as he felt, with all his heart, "remember mentioning 'rewards'? I don't want any, now that I thought of it, it sounded creepy and scary and dangerous. No rewards. Just.. stay away from us, that'd be reward enough."_

_"Well, shoot, if you don't want any, perhaps I can convince Mister Master to give them all to Lea. That kiddo surely deserves some, too."_

_Isa didn't know why, but the way his - well, his senior, dammit - Braig said that, it sent cold shivers down his spine._

_Isa shook his head._

_"I don't know, I... misspoke. If you HAVE to give some... 'rewards'... give them to me first, not to Lea, he's too young.."_

_They were same age, he and Lea._

_"Sure thing! I bet one day you won't even recognise yourself, kiddo."_

_"I'm not a kiddo, I'm a scientist now just like you!"_

_"Riiiiight, in a science of looking for lost girls. For one found boy. Ha ha, for sure! You really will barely recognise yourself, I promise. But, enough talking, go to Mister Master, he wanted to talk to you."_

_"To mister Xehanort?"_

_"Nope, to Even. As if! Of course to Mister Master Xeha."_

_Braig's eye - had it always been yellow? When that guard, Braig, had two eyes... they were brown. And very creepy. But brown..._

_"Do you like your eyes, moonboy?" Braig suddenly asked. "If you ask nicely, and kneel before me, and before Mister Master Xeh, I can make sure all your rewards, and all Lea's rewards, go just to you, none to that fireboy. If you wish with all your little Heart there."  
_

_"Do I... like my eyes? What? Who cares? Ask Lea," Isa suddenly said without thinking, anyway to end this suddenly too weird conversation._

_"And here I thought you'd understand. As if! You're just a random kid. Anyway, what about kneeling? Or should I ask Lea about that, too?"_

_Suddenly very scared, Isa, not minding his labcoat, just knelt there before the weird guard for a moment._

_"Just... don't say weird stuff to Lea, Braig, please? See, I knelt."_

_"Alright then. You're good to go, just also tell that to Mister Master Xehanort someday."_

_Isa stood up, trying to pretend he never knelt - that Braig wasn't serious - that it was all just a prank.... And. And. Isa then turned and walked away, quickly, quicker..._

_"Hey, Is!" Lea said, when Isa came through the doorway into his room. "Wow, you look like you met an Even after a bout of insomnia. Or something. Was that it?"_

_"Could be," Isa said, without lying. After all, could be only meant that it could have happened, right._

_"Waaaah. No wonder you look scared out of your mind! C'mon, come here, I'll give ya a hug."_

_"No, thanks."_

_And it was enough._

_"Hey, Is, you have dirt on your trousers. How come?"_

_"Mister Braig threw something dirty at me. Very dirty. It stunk so much, my eyes almost watered. I think I'm allergic."_

_"Geez, I'll punch him. Nobody's allowed to try throwing suspicious substances at my friend. He won't get away with this!"_

_"Any friend?"_

_"Especially at my_ _best_ _friend_ _! And you're my **best friend** , so get that memorised."_

_It was enough. Lea would never get scared and kneel before some weirdo Braig, would never get scared and imagine kneeling before some weird amnesiac scientist Xehanort. Lea never will, for sure, because Lea is strong. Strong and determined and brave and funny and memorable to everyone, all the things that Isa never was, that Isa will never be. He could even imagine Lea dying in some sort of noble sacrifice like heroes in movies - because for all his stupidity, Lea was precisely that. Perhaps jumping into some infernal fire to help save a sleeping baby. Yea, Isa could easily imagine that. And so, Isa decided that if there was any such fire ever, Isa would jump into it first, without informing Lea, so that Lea just wouldn't have to. Because Lea was brave, unlike Isa, but Isa just knew Lea, and, knowing Lea, he knew always what Lea would have done, and so, could try doing that, right? And that was enough._

_"Isa... we searched for Key, she's not here. What if she's in those deeper labs, that we have no clearance for yet?"_

_"Braig promised me a clearance, it's fine, Lea. Key will leave this damned castle, and so will you, you idiot. I swear that on the moon."_

_"Wow. So, like, really for real, Isa, because if on moon, that's like for realest... So. We're actually gonna get to leave here, all three of us, you've just promised that, so it's true! Wow! You're amazing!"_

_"Heh. No, you!"_

_"nuh, uh, you are, Isa. Amazinger. Trust me."_

_"I know. I'm a genius. And then we can show Key around town, someday."_

_A lie. But it was enough. Love was enough, and hope was. Like the moon, reflecting sun._

_"Yup! And that's my promise."_

_"Don't strain yourself, Lea. And no promises from you today, don't overshadow mine."_

_"Ooookay, I'm taking mine back."_

_"Good."_

_Lea then whispered something. Isa didn't quite hear that. Didn't quite catch it, though it seemed like it might be a promise. Eh, just after he said-- well. There was a lot of that something, and seeing as Lea was scratching the back of his head while saying it, the words HAD to be utterly embarassing, sentimental, and faux-poignant. And honest.  
_

_"What?"_

_"Nah, nothing. You didn't hear that, so ya can't protest. But if those weird things the weirdos call hearts - not muscle ones - actually exist, your Heart heard what I promi---said, so no take backsies."_

_"...sure. Keep it."_

_And he shrugged._

_Some huge promise, perhaps dangerous. Probably about her, hopefully not about Isa. Why should Lea put himself close to danger for Isa, after all?_

_No matter. Isa would save them both, Key and Lea, before Lea could endganger his stupid self for that, and that, that was a promise. On moon and sun and stars, so it had to be made true, or he'd die trying. And he wasn't going to die trying - because Isa was - always sure he was - no hero._

_No matter. For Lea, and for that scared girl, he could play pretend he was, for a month or two._

_A promise. No - more than that. An oath._

_In his memory, forever. He'd get them to safety somehow. If she was down there, in a cage... well, when he first saw her like that, he had a premonition. A true one. Of himself and Lea in those cages next to--_

_And she was also there in that premonition._

_That's why - if she wasn't imprisoned - neither would Lea be, that only made sense._

_Perhaps that was 'reward'. Being caged and experimented on._

_That's why... that's exactly why Isa would make sure that if any of them three would get 'rewarded' (and he was a diviner. He knew true visions and false. Somebody would get imprisoned..)_

_Somebody will be stuck in a cage. Wasn't that also what that apprentice-guard Braig said, too, annoyingly cryptically? So, yes. He knelt to beg to be imprisoned. Even though he didn't want that at all._

_Better than to see Lea and her imprisoned forever._

_And who knew. Maybe that vision was false. Maybe Isa would be free, too. With Lea... visions slightly changed, often, because Lea, he.... he was a singularity, Isa knew. He knew them when he saw them. Ventus was a singularity, too, but Isa wasn't interested in him._

_There were people that could be known to the moon, and people who couldn't, truly, because they had some small lights in their hearts that the Moon couldn't quite see, Isa knew that. Maybe he would've fallen for Ventus, or for Key, if he met them first._

_But his first singularity was Lea, and so, only Lea mattered, no longer because he was a singularity, but now simply because Lea was Lea. If Lea's future suddenly became predictable - well then, Isa would still be in love with him._

_Because by now, he loved Lea for Lea._

_And if Lea's future was as bad and painful as he had once dreamt (as Isa once dreamt, on one of many nights on the full moon)... well then, Isa would snatch that future from him and exchange for his own, if he had to._

_That's also why he determined to make Lea fall in love with Key, too. Key was a singularity, he knew that without seeing her face, and muuuuuuuuuuuch more of a one than Lea. Key would save Lea, if only Isa could save Key._

_That girl._

_And that would be enough._

_That's why - he just had to do everything to find Key. Once she was find, Isa no longer had to worry, even if by then he'd die or something. Key - the imprisoned girl, experimented on, and strange... Key, she'd save Lea. Certainly._

_That's why Isa had to save her._

_Lea needed saving. Lea would die - somewhere in midst of some terrible fire, Isa saw that and felt that in a dream - Lea would die saving someone Lea cared for._

_Isa didn't know whom, but what if... what if Isa?? Or Key?? Or, who cares, maybe a cat. With Lea, anything was possible. He could imagine Lea making a movie worthy noble sacrifice for a lost kitten. That's just how Lea was. Pure. Like a saint, if saints had a bad sense of humour and were utter morons, always. In Isa's eyes, Lea was all that, at least._

_And so, Isa had to save Key instead, then Lea would be safe. That would be enough. At least he still had a decade or so till Lea's sacrificial death, judging from that stupid vision. The Moon told him so. In that decade, surely he could find Key. And as a singularity, she'd be able to exchange one fate, easy. Lea's fate. Isa didn't know his own future fate - diviners never could, it'd cause a paradox - but he'd just make the her exchange his own future fate for Lea's, and that stupid adult Lea with stupid tatoos under his eyes, or marks, would be safe, forever, if all succeeded. And Isa promised to succeed. Promised himself to give up everything if necessary in order to succeed. Everything but Lea's life. Everything.  
_

_That's why he even knelt, trying to pretend it was almost a joke, before Braig - Braig who was also a singularity. No, a tornado of singularities, like feeling a trainwreck, terrifying, so Isa could never bear his presence for long._

_Mister Xehanort... was and wasn't a singularity. An enigma._

_Still.... Isa would want to save Key even if she wasn't a singularity. He was curious about her. But, that, that curiosity too... becoming friends with her, in the future, if he could... loving her, if he could..._

_that - if such a future existed, he'd exchange... he'd give it to Lea._

_Nothing mattered more. Only Lea. And no longer because he was a singularity. That was a few years ago. Now Lea only mattered to Isa because he was Lea, and that was enough._

_For that, he'd do anything._

_(In that vision, Lea was a decade older, and sadder, but his eyes were still green, and his hair was still red like fire, like sun, and he still said that stupid 'get memorised' all the time, and so, he didn't deserve to die. He will not, Isa decided.)_

_For that, anything. And surely Key could save future-Lea. So, Isa will find her, he decided. No matter what._

_********_

_By the way, in the unclear divination in the moonlight, that future Lea, surely not older than thirty, looked awesomely handsome, powerful, and badass. And... sad. Like... missing 'a biffle' sad. Was that about future her? Key, that is? Or about future Isa... yea, keep dreaming. He would've been sad, but not SAD sad._

_*****_

_With time, Isa realised. It's not just because Lea was a singularity that Isa couldn't see for whom future Lea - who would change his name to Askel or something else stupid like that, from that vision, but who cared, Lea was Lea... for whom future Lea merrily planned (well, not so marry, he will was upset...)... for whom future adult Lea was going to die._

_The reason he couldn't see that clearly in the least, was, Isa realised with clarity - clarity of another fullmoon night, good thing those happened each month-- with clarity, it came to him. His secretly dearly beloved friend was going to go up in flames (but where did they come from??? it was almost like from Askel himself, that couldn't be right)..... would go up in flames for the sake of another singularity._

_****_

_Kairi, Ventus, Braig, Key, and Xehanort. All the candidates._

_Couldn't be Braig._

_So._

_Kairi, or Ventus, or Key, or Xehanort. Lea was, in the future, planning to die for one of them._

_Surely. Lea never met another singularity than them, so, whom else?_

_So. Isa had a plan. He'd guard them, and if anything happened, he, Isa, would die for them first. That way, Lea could live forever, still, just like Lea wanted, always prattling about living forever, right? (In memories, but, Isa would rather not settle for just only that.)_

_It couldn't be for Braig, who liked Braig anyway? Nobody, that's who._

_Isa checked, since then, everyday till the end of Radiant Garden, if Kairi was in no mortal danger. He'd of course die for Kairi, that little goddess, if necessary, before Lea could, obviously. And, well, it wasn't the worst prospect, Kairi was a nice girl, after all. He used to babysit her often, and that's when he realised that even goddesses needed their diapers changed, and so, simple single singularities no wonder scared him. Maybe, he had thought, even no longer interested him. They were only human. That was, of course, half a year before he first met Lea and realised that - nope. That one single singularity could, after all, mean everything. No, it's - it made him notice Lea, but then, Lea made him forget what Lea was, because, because Lea... was even more than that, and so, who he was began to matter what than what he was, and Isa then wished that Lea wasn't what he was, pretended he wasn't... because... could a singularity have a normal boring life? Could any? And he wished that Lea could have a normal, sane life, but... not if he was what he was. How could it be normal, if so? He first talked to Lea because Lea was special, and could perhaps make Isa special - special, that is, with a special destiny barely visible somewhere in the sky, yes, partly - yep, ulterior motives, of which Isa was later ashamed, and never confessed that crime of his to Lea - but now he wished Lea had never been special in the first place. Because Lea was Lea. Simply. He no longer wanted Lea to have a destiny. Isa didn't have a destiny, which surely meant he'd grow old with a boring life, no special adventures, and now.... he no longer wanted Lea to be a singularity, to have a destiny. Well. If that destiny was too dangerous for Lea, as seen (though barely seen, hopefully wrongly incompletely seen, later), maybe Isa could snatch that destiny from Lea and take it unto himself instead, and Lea would hopefully then have a boring (safe... long....) life. That'd be best case scenario._

_Xehanort was senior coworker since a few days ago, for Isa and Lea, so... no problem seeing that he was in no danger. Apart from experiments. Isa begrudgingly decided that dying for Xehanort wouldn't be the worst, that amnesiac, unlike Braig, at least wasn't a tornado of singularities, but two singularities at most. Scary, and not too pleasant a feeling, but not the worst._

_Kairi - well, no need to elaborate._

_Key - and there was the rub. Isa loved her, too, just like Lea probably, but - he had to find her. Maybe it was about Key? If so, he had to find her and die for her before adult Lea would. So. At least there was a decade or a bit more time to find her?_

_Ventus - no idea where that one was. But surely Lea would tell Isa if he saw him again, before attempting a violent death for him? They barely knew each other!_

_It **had** to be about Key. Obviously. Or about Xehanort, that mysterious and also rather handsome amnesiac bi-singularity, but that was doubtful._

________

Memories were just memories, **only** memories, could do nothing against Nothing, not in the long run. Or could they?

_______

somewhere... somewhere deep under Nothing, and so, he'd have to traverse Nothing in order to hear, for it was kept somewhere under Nothing, so that no Nothing could reach it....

~~ **_'and one day, Isa, I swear, so get that memorised, the three of us, we will be best friends, free of this haunted place, of weirdo scientists, free, inseparable, all of us - You, Key, and me, always -we won't stay here, we will go and- you know. Lo--like each other. All three. Pinky swear. Get it memorised, Is. Love ya, too, Biffle. Oh - no- that glare- did you actually hear???'_ ** ~~

...deep under Nothing... kept safe... forever, if need be...

__________

Hmmm? Where did that come from? Somewhere... deep... he'd have to get close to Nothing, perhaps, in order to hear properly, but...

Perhaps he only imagined.

Memories... after so many years, they could be a figment of imagination. Or not, but... no longer they could matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: About Isa's promise... did Lea not listen clearly, or did he just decide on his own that the promise is about all three of them kids, and is trying to get Isa to memorise that version? You can all guess yourself. :) And in time, it'll be clear anyway. :D


	3. Za błędy na górze (For the Mistakes Above) | Part 1 out of 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does it even matter?
> 
> His name is Axel.
> 
> No, it's Lea.
> 
> His name is Axel.
> 
> No, his name is Lea. Was Lea. Can be Lea, for today, if it's the last thing I say!

_Saïx_ can see the Kingdom Hearts up in the sky. It's a brilliant sight, but it's but a pale reflection of light as he knows it.... No, as Isa knew it...

Once upon the time, even as Nobody, he saw the moon, still, even in his pitiful state. The real Moon, reflecting the real Sun, calling. Calling. Calling. Shining down, searching. Searching for-

the Hearts

joined to his own.

Please, if that ever happened...

_~~You imagined it. That was a dream. That night never happened. Try and remember, it never happened. Any proof it did happen?~~ _

What?

_Do I have proof? And who's asking? Some delusion of mine? Why do my delusions more and more often sound like a long forgotten bi-singularity? Or rather, I'd like to forget him and Xemnas both. I'd rather my delusions sounded like the her - Key, and like Ax--- Lea, then like Xemnas's bisingular Somebody, if they had to sound like any singularities at all. I'd rather-_

~~Ah, but that's not your decision to make. Do you even truly remember? Come, share the memory, so I can tell you if you just imagined it--~~

_And why would I let you tell me that,_ _Saïx_ asked mentally, feeling increasingly stupid and embarassed. There was no foreign voice inside of the space where his Heart would be. No foreign voice. It was just a delusion. From insomnia. Yes, exactly. From Axel looking closer and closer to LEAVING-

-( _and if he leaves, he'll get hunted and turned into a Dusk, maybe that's what the old vision was all about... What can I do to stop Ax--- Lea for leaving?_

~~_You can give yourself to me._ ~~

_If I do that, Lea won't die?_

~~But of course. Indeed. You see, I don't even know what you divined about him. And how powerful your divinations must be, if you're able to divine possible futures of a potential Keybla--  
~~

_Of a Singularity,_ Isa mentally corrected the other, harshly. Lea didn't have any keys! What an utter poppycock. And fucking bullshit.

 ~~_Mhm-hm, of your beloved singularity. See, I think he'll soon leave you behind. For Roxas. After all, Roxas is another special case, another Keybla--_ ~~ ~~~~

_Singularity,_ he corrected, pretend-annoyed. _There's more to being a Singularity than an oversized Key. More. More._

~~Xemnas's like voice in deep dark recesses seemed shocked. Intrigued.  
~~

_~~What more could there possibly be?~~  
_

_They defy Time. They defy Space. They defy any limits. That's what Singularities are._

**~~_Ah. So that's why you love some dull fire user. Because he is one._ ~~ **

_No, that's not why I lov-- pretend to love him. I love him because he's he! I approached him, curious about him being a Singularity like Kairi but not like Kairi, not that pure, but-- it's no longer the reason why!! Not anymore. I like him. Because he's Axe--- because he's Lea. No other reason, anymore. If he stopped being a singularity tomorrow, I'd still like him, I think._

**~~_I don't understand. Explain at once._ ~~ **

_Good. I won't explain. You don't exist._

**~~_No, YOU don't exist, Saix. When was the last time you ever pretended to exist? You WILL show me._ ~~ **

_No, I won't._

_YOU SHALL. COME. TAKE A LOOK. DREAM. BUT OF TRUE MEMORIES ONLY. COME, SAIX---_

_That's not my name. I've had enough of false names. Lea, Sora, No. i.... I'll just say true names now, because I'm fed up with pretense and facade--_

_Come, then, have it your way, and do remember clearly so I can see more..._ Isa _._

_********_

_I_ t's been a long time since Saix day-dreamt. Why was he daydreaming now, of long past memories, he had no idea. He only knew that when he tried to stop daydreaming, the sound, the nails on the chalkboard, grew louder and louder and louder until he wished to die, really, in vain hope it'd stop the noise.

Perhaps he'd even ask Demyx to play his sitar. Maybe that'd drown out the noise. Yes, that seemed like a brilliant idea.. right now...

************

Too much noise. Hurting his forehead-- no, that was his scar. It hurt more and more. He wanted to go to Axel's room - but what if Axel was packing things to leave? The pain would only grow.

So, instead, Sa--- Isa used the Dark Corridor to land smack-dab in the middle of Demyx's room.

~~_Can't you refine your speech a bit? I won't have you talking like a pleb._ ~~

_Fuck you, delusion. Sophisticated enough for you? Stop the noise?_

~~_Noise? You're mistaken. It's the sound of silence. Of nothing. And it's eternal._ ~~

_It's more obnoxious than 12 year old Lea, that's what it is! Stop that noise!_

**~~There's no noise. And, perhaps, you should ask me nicely, my dearest _Saïx_. And listen closely, there's no noise.~~ **

Right. There was no noise. But his head was hurting, more and more, and so was his Heart - no, it couldnt be , for he had no heart, anymore, yet. Another delusion. Why...? Was he... Sai--Is--- _Saïx_ going mad??

He was suddenly face to face with one specimen - IX, yes, his name was IX - holding a sitar out like a shield, pretend-panic all over his face. What a strange specimen, to try and fool him that he FELT. IX couldn't feel, because IX had no heart.

_~~Obviously.~~ _

Why, _Saïx_ wondered, why did he want.. no.. need.. to see IX?

Ah, yes. The noise.

~~_There is NO NOISE_ ~~

The noise. Perhaps IX's annoying sounds could drown out the noise. _Saïx_ took a deep breath, looked straight into IX's eyes, grabbed IX's shoulder, hard, squeezing it... he might've heard a bone or two crack... And finally, VII said... the word pushed with some difficulty through gritted teeth, through the fucking noise of nails on the chalkboard...

"You," Sa---Isa! - Sa-- _Saïx_ \- said, "You will play the melody you played six years ago, after you first came here."

IX's eyes widened. He squeaked in a surely pretend terror and pain.

Another bone cracked as _Saïx_ tightened his grip.

"You will play it," he said, smiling - after all, one should smile when asking for a treat, right? Hmmm? "You will play that melody, or you will never play anything else ever again in your pitiful caricature of a human life, Number IX. Understood?"

"U---u---understood! You're the boss!! Yep!!! So, please, please, not my arm--!!"

Huh. Right. IX wouldn't be able to play, if--

Saïx loosened his almost death-grip on IX-- ah, his name was... Demyx. Yes, that's right. Hm, that sounded slightly more human.  


He loosened his grip on Demyx's shoulder, and the one of his arm. Theatrically, really - that had to be theatrics - Demyx fell to the floor, to his knees

(kneeling before him. Pathetic. Familiar. **_~~Pitiful, just like you. You see now? You are as weak as IX. Leave the room now, such a weakness is contagious, and you need strength to be worthy vess-~~_** )

-to his knees.

IX whined. And then, IX's body was wrecked by a wretchedly dry sobs. No wonder. IX was a Nobody - he could not cry. He could not feel, and therefore, these theatrics- he was surely just... only pretending. Make-belief. What, did he want pity? There was nobody to pity him, not in the whole castle.

"Play," Saix ordered. He needed to drown out the noise. He was trying to remember. And IX happened to be the part of that memory from six years ago.

"Play. Or I'll kindly ask our Superior to turn you into a Dusk - soon. You won't play anything when that happens."

IX did something weird in that moment.

He cried.

And then summoned his Sitar quickly, and played, wincing as he had to use his broken bones.

The melody - ah. How come IX remembered it, still, even though he only played it once, as a joke, on a lark, made up on the spot? IX had a phenomenal memory.

Impressive.

And so, Sa-----------------------Isa remembered. It was six years ago. The full-Moon, true one, shone brightly that night.

"Play," Isa's Nobody now whispered, and then his eyes widened at the expanse of desp---pretend despair and plea in his voice, sounding so person-like, so existing, for a split second. Even though he wasn't Isa. Couldn't be. He was Number VII, nothing less, nothing more. He was only Sa--

In a state of pretend--- in a state of utter confusion, panic, and 'please don't kill me now, please please please please i'll do anything so please' written in his stupid not yellow and very vibrant, almost as if human, eyes, IX played a tune that he somehow remembered, even though... did he remember each and every tune made up on the spot? Impressive, for someone as pathetic as Demyx.

Most impressive.

"Play. Don't stop. Or I'll end your nonexistence."

So, he played, and _Saïx_ listened, and thought back to the night six years ago...

********************

Six years ago.... it was a night that was so real, he could almost become a person--- if he deluded himself enough. Six years ago...

But, it was hard to remember, still. Hmmm... back then, on lark, apart from playing the fucking water Sitar, IX sang. He did sing, did he not? The ninth. Demyx.

"Demyx," _Saïx_ muttered, through gritted teeth, and with a hand to his forehead, as the pain in the scar was getting excruciating. He felt -ah, that must somebody being skinned alive feel. Is--- _Saïx_ felt as if he was being skinned alive. His forehead and his non-heart, both, and his face and his eyes. Wait, how does one skin eyes?

Demyx, naturally, didn't care about his pain, instead whining about measly broken wrist. Pathetic.

Noise, noise, noise...

"Demyx, play louder, damn you! And sing."

"E-er? Whaaaaaaaaa???!! You'll kill me if I sing those words again, boss, coz, er, didn't you two lovebirds breeeeeeeee---- ok, ok, I'm singing!! Remember- ouch -just an -ouch- parody- ouch-- no hurt feels, kay??!! Ouch!"

"Sing."

Demyx pretended to shudder with a great fear. And suddenly, there was water in Demyx's eyes. Hm? Did he magic that up? How silly, _Saïx_ thought. As if IX could be crying, even from some slight pain. As if a Nobody had any tears inside fake eyes.

Still, Demyx seemed adamant in pretending to cry over his pretend shock, horror, pain and fear of 'death', apparently. Pathetic.

But, perhaps, he should just let him. It felt.... no, it didn't feel, how was he too feel, with no heart to feel with...

"SING."

Demyx sung, voice cracking with fe--pretend fear, confusion, and shock.

"There was once an X-face, he loved no-one. But he had a secret, that one. On a moonlit night, he went and saw. His former boyfriend. And something something, aauch, something, my bones... Er. The X-face and Axel talked a lot. If you know what I mean. That night they talked a lot, wink wink. Er. Ouch. That's when I first came here, and, ouch, don't kiiiiillll meeeee--"

_Saïx_ listened. And remembered.  


"Lea. IX, you'll sing his name as 'Lea', so that I may remember clearly. The noise... the noise... it's drowning... sing 'Lea', not 'Axel'. Even if it's not his name. Lie to me. Sing 'Lea'."

Demyx shuddered.

Why?

He was also now sweating, Demyx, that is. His vibrant eyes that had no yellow in them - **~~they would look better yellow -~~** oh,yes, this one, why not, sure....now that was a good plan...what? Well, nothing would then happen to Lea, and the noise would stop... what? filled with water and pretend-fear. Or... the real one..

Lies. How could..?

And, what was that about eyes.... about hearts... what... what...

**_~~ You can't see, because the Moon forgot Demyx, as his is another Moon, or another Worldline, so maybe never remembered...but Demyx is a, let's use your moon divination phrases, a singularity, too... so perhaps... hmm... if that's easier for now? Fine, him first, I can be patient. I acted rashly before, I do admit it. So I guess we have a deal...but after that, Axel and Sora-what, Saïx, did you truly feel I wanted you? Don't make me laugh. You're a delivery boy. You know that, in your seed of your heart, that you so neglect to even water...You do know. Wilfull ignorance is not a lack of knowledge. You know nothing because you want to know nothing, to avoid sharing the knowledge of Nothing with your special one - how amusing- wait, are you forgetting me again? That's called a temper tantrum. What, will you go berserk to forget that I'm no imaginary stranger in daydreams and dreams? Pathetic toddler. You know nothing. You can kneel a billion times, and it won't change a thing. You. Are. Not. Enough. For my vessel. I'm here because you can gift me to 'X', that girl, when you find her. Or to Axel, but he doesn't even have his Keyblade yet, but, might do. I'm not here for you. Don't forget- gh, annoying, here you go, forgetting again. Wilfull ignorance won't save a thing. You're nothing, you know that. You're Nothing, Saïx. And those pretend feelings, you don't feel them, you fool. You are, and will always be, moreso even than Xion, and also-ran, so, do not---Don't forg--  ~~ _ **

what?

what?

nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard... for a few seconds, they must've sounded like words, but that was just imagination... yes, Moon help him, that was just imagination...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard... for a few secondsnails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard... for a few secondsnails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard... for a few seconds... forever...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard...nails on a chalkboard... nails on a chalkboard... for a few seconds, for ages, for...

Saïx shook his head. Such an irritating sound. Where was the source? He's searched for it for years, and hasn't found it. If only he could find the source, and stab it with his Claymore, he knew in his mind he'd be free. Sometimes he for a second imagined words there, but surely... if there were words, why would those convert into nails on a chalkboard, instead, as if by some will that lingered, deeply... so, there were no words... there never were... only that sound, that maddening sound...

(better that, than those words, than any potential orders, if- what words?)

Only that maddening sound. That was all, luckily-- luckily? He couldn't stand that sound, from morning till evening, often waking him up at night, too!

Saïx shook his head. He had a thought, and, and, he thought he agreed to something, something imaginary, notexistent, but, he forgot. The noise grew louder. So he grabbed Demyx's wrist again, urging the foolish IX to play. **_~~  
~~ _ **

Demyx played, and sang.

"X-face and Lea, they talked that night, with their mouths, too. With Axxxxxx----er-------Lea! And next morning, X-face looked- amost happy! I trembled at the sight! For surely the Armageddon was niiiiiiiiiiiii---er--ouch! The eeeeeeeend! Oh, and Axel then had a hicke-ouch. a hickey. Errrr, Lea, I mean, LEEEEEEEEEA, don't kill meeee! Lea. Whoever. Lea. Axlea. Hey, that sounds like a good nick. Axlea. Axel-Lea, see? heh...Ouch, my wrist... my poor wrist... and my rib... anyway, okay, Lea and X-face kissed, if ya know what I mean, ouch. Wheeeeew. Ouch! And I'm telling the Superior on you, ouch, the end!! And, geez, you're doing, in your aura, that sound again! Axeeeeeeelllllleee must be, in heart, half-deaf that he doesn't hear your constant inside grrrrrrrrrrrr in high octave! Or something else, I can't quite hea--ouch-- hear that, I only hear it when you touch- ouch-- and it's like rubbing salt in-- ouch! I'm telling Superior I tried murdererererering me, even though I'm an innocent soul and a chicken who's not betraying any of three bosses soon, I swe--ouch. So, bye-bye!"

Opened the Corridor.

Isa's Nobody frowns. There's something to Demyx - a tornado like Xigbar?? -no, but... also, not a simple singularity, or... it's hazy. Once, he accidentally almost bumped into Luxord, and once into Larxene, and it was same, but, no, it... it doesn't matter. It's not like Axel would die trying to save Demyx or Marluxia or Luxord or Larxene or Xi--who's that?, so it doesn't matter. But... what matters is Axel, only Axel.

Lea. 

He doesn't care if Demyx's wrist got so damaged that the Nobody won't be able to do good recon for some days and gets punished. So what?

What mattered was Axel. _Lea._ And, back then---

Argh, such noise... in his mind... still, back then-

******************

_Six years ago..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I said that I'd post this chapter a week from now, but actually... this chapter will probably be a three-parter, or it'd be too dense for me. And part 1 is done, so I'm posting it now. Next chapter, "Zaplotłam we włosy, słońce od rana... (I braided the morning Sun into my hair...) | Part 2" on 1st February, most likely.


	4. Zaplotłam we włosy Słońce od rana | Part 2 out of 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zaplotłam we włosy, słońce od rana. Miałam przejść z Tobą przez Rybną Bramę. Chciałam wykrzyczeć Ci, że już wiem, ale milczałam jak cień...
> 
> Wyszedłem do ciebie z wielkiego cienia.  
> Teraz niepewność w pewność zamieniam.  
> Chciałem wykrzyczeć Ci, dać Ci znak, ale milczałem jak głaz...
> 
> (lyrics from Piotr Rubik's "Nie wstydź się mówić, że kochasz" ("Don't be ashamed to say You're in love").
> 
> "Wyszedłem...
> 
> "I came to you from a great shadow.  
> Now I change my doubts into certainty.  
> I wished to cry out, give you a signal, but I was as silent as a stone..."
> 
> _____
> 
> One day, Axel almost deserted the Organisation, when still young. To Atlantis and further. On someone's suggestion.  
> But then, they didn't.  
> And next day, they had a mission, as usual. Nobody deserted anything. Somehow.  
> Maybe it just wasn't fate. Or maybe the coffee was too weak.

Zaplotłam we włosy, słońce od rana. Miałam przejść z Tobą przez Rybną Bramę. Chciałam wykrzyczeć Ci, że już wiem, ale milczałam jak cień...

Wyszedłem do ciebie z wielkiego cienia.  
Teraz niepewność w pewność zamieniam.  
Chciałem wykrzyczeć Ci, dać Ci znak, ale milczałem jak głaz...

(lyrics from Piotr Rubik's "Nie wstydź się mówić, że kochasz" ("Don't be ashamed to say You're in love").

"Wyszedłem...

"I came to you from a great shadow.  
Now I change my doubts into certainty.  
I wished to cry out, give you a signal, but I was as silent as a stone..."

_____

One day, Axel almost deserted the Organisation, when still young. To Atlantis and further. On someone's suggestion.  
But then, they didn't.  
And next day, they had a mission, as usual. Nobody deserted anything. Somehow.  
Maybe it just wasn't fate. Or maybe the coffee was too weak.

**Notes:**

(See the end of the chapter for [notes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22332034/chapters/54048718#chapter_4_endnotes).)

**Chapter Text**

(If you had someone you considered a messiah, what then? What then? Isn't that a heavy of a burden? Best kill both, and be done with it. Isn't that right?)

\------------******************************--------------------------**********_________________*************__________________

It was six years ago. It wasn't - anything important. However, he had an itch to remember, because what was remembered could be forgotten - no, he never forgot it; a noise to get rid of; a thing to delete (that he never did, and never would, the past meant everything to him, because, because, because, what else was there? The future, hopefully? No present, as how could there be a present time, for those with no Hearts? There can be no present time, for one who does not exist, has no being to **be.** Even so, he was a Nobody as well six years ago, and so, why would it matter, to remember a day like any-

****************

aXel made the weirdest face expression. As if he pretended to grimace, for no reason at all. Or perhaps, there was a reason?

"You could add sugar next time," Saïx said, pretending to frown a little. "Since that's the idiotic way you can even drink coffee, Axel."

"What?" Axel said. He frowned as well.

Isa sighed. aXel was always like that - no, Lea was always like that, wasn't he? Incorrigible.

"I Said exactly this, let me repeat: if you put that much energy into pretending to react to most unnecessary things, like coffee, you could put more energy into searching for Key."

Lea whistled a little, and Said, "I guess I should, yeah, Isa."

"That's not my name."

"Oh, ya think Xigman is listening in? I betcha he could be. Fine, Sux."

"You know it's Saïx and - oh. Now _that_ was childish, Lea."

Axel grinned, "So, you noticed. If one says it just a bit differently, it sounds like _suck._ As in, you're such a suck-up to Lord Xemnas, I could almost believe you are! Sorry, sorry."

"Now, now, don't forget yourself."

"Eh, I can, as long as your remember me. Got it--"

"Yes, I got it memorised. Now go, do your mission, loser, and then we can-"

"You're boooooriing, Isa!"

"Mhm, yes, I know. Got that long memorised since forever."

"Ha! Good one. Betcha don't know the actual time when I first Said, because I don't know either."

"I do. Unlike yours, my memory is perfect."

"Wow."

**********

It was a week later, perhaps-

********

"Axel's fine." Lea Said, or rather, aXel Said, quite bedgrudingly. That redhead, still pretending...

  
Axel... still wanted to be called Lea? But why? Didn't he hear the Noise? The Noise of Nothing?

  
"But if ya ever miss me, or are lost in the dark, call me Lea. Lea Dark Rescue Axel! I'll come running."

  
"Oh, will you? Even in darkest loudest Dark?" Noise. Noise. Noise. Noise. "Since when does Darkness make a sound, Saïx, I know nothing's wrong with your ear--Isa, what's wrong?!"

  
"Something is wrong? Why's that? I see nothing wrong. It's loud, but.. this world is always loud. So. That's alright. It's your favourite New World, so... I can bear it."

  
*******************

" Saïx, no... Isa... Saïx...whatever, your X thing is bleeding!! What... what... wait, have a potion!"

  
"No, leave it.... you said, Lea... that you bought that potion with your last munny, because you're broke. And that you're gonna use it now because that stupid Heartless in Agrabah broke your leg.."

  
"Well, then, Saïx, what's more important, my leg or you not bleeding to death from some stupid ugliest scar I've ever seen that you got BACK THEN, because I was a crybaby?!"

Noise. Noise. Noise. It was hard to think when the air was getting fuller of the sound of nails on the chalkboard... what a blissful empty existence must AXel lead, not hearing that noise... Axel asked a question, huh? Isa should make up some answer... answer that would make his beloved (pretend) happy..... but, with all the noise, Saïx was unable to make up a lie that would make aXel... remember their old friendship... so Saïx simply answered honestly, flatly, matter of fact, with no feelings, surely.... because.... the noise was getting louder and louder, so, flatly, Saïx Said. "Of course your leg is more important. I don't like this whole Organisation cult and I'd leave already, I should leave, I think that's what the noise is.... but, if only... the thing is. I don't trust anybody else to die for you, Lea." aXel stared at him as if he Said something weird. Oh. Oh, right! He never told Lea. So, he tried to smile. To signify that he was joking. Oh. He WAS bleeding from the scar, actually. Axel wasn't kidding. Axel, still sitting atop tower next to him with broken leg (he should get that healed instead of wadting potions on something nonexistent....)... Ax----Lea------- aXel threw a potion at Saïx, all pretended-angrily, too. It wad... beautiful, watching Axel act so, so, soooo Lea as if he was still Lea. If he had a heart to watch it, it'd surely break with immense gratitude and despair, Saïx thought. Saïx imagined feeling it. Yes, surely it was just imagination. In his thoughts, again, he conveyed his feeling - no, memories of feelings - towards his redhead. He couldn't utter them aloud. He tried a month ago, and the rising noise made Saïx almost blind and almost deaf for the next twenty days. Not worth it.  
Oh. aXel leaned closer and used the potion to make the obscenely ugly scar stop bleeding. What, did he think Saïx needed a babysitter.....Well,perhaps he should thank him...  
Noise.  
Noise.  
Noise...

  
Thank you, Lea, Saïx thought, surely loud and clear and Lea HAD to see it in his eyes, vibrantly.

  
"Piss off, Lea, I'm not some neophyte, I know how to use potions myself," Saïx Said, in a monotone.

  
"You really don't make liking you easy, Saïxeeeeeeeeeeexxx!!"

  
"That's not how you say it. Besides, I used to think, when I was still alive.... I thought you liked a good challenge, Axel."

  
"I do, you lucky dog. Not for that, I'd be outta Xemnas's no heart cult already, myself, leaving you behind. We can't find her, Saï-sucks. She's dead. Accept it! At least one of my friends, or what's left of him, is still alive. You, Saïx. ISA. Please, let’s…try and stay existent. Nonexistent. I don’t care, as long as I you can yell at me tomorrow than I’m a moron, in your own voice. I don’t care if you remember everything, I don’t care if I I’m an idiot and get truned into a Dusk, as long as you stay with that Dusk, and telli it everyday that it done messed up, so…. So let's pack up and never RTC, just the two of us!!"

  
" Let's do that--"

Axel grinned. He suddenly looked – just like Lea, in Saïx’s eyes. So foolish, yet radiant, full of fire, sun, and hope.

„We’ll go to Atlantis, first,” Isa – no, Saïx – said, deciding that on the spot. ‘And you can’t pack a thing, Lea, not even your old frisbees. Ien—Zexion might notice. He senses everything. Lord Xemnas, too. And B—Xigbar. We must go now.”

„Yeah, we’ll go now! I’m all fired up and ready! Yay, desertion! It’s like a movie! We’re three musketeers. I’ll go grab us a Roxas and go!” Axel shouted, almost overflowing with pretend cheer that suddenly looked oh so real…

„No. If we go to Castle now, how can we run away? People would notice our intentions. So, either you run now, and I follow, hm, tomorrow, perhaps?”

„Sure, I’ll do that!”

„Good. Alright, so, you – run.”

„Sure!”

And Axel made an entrance to Corridor. On the other side, Isa could now feel Atlantis.

He suddenly shook his head.

„You know how it ends when people split up? We’ll go now, Lea. Together.”

„Yeah! Together.”

Axel went through the portal. Saïx, still reeling a bit, this was truly happening, wasn’t it? Tomorrow, no ‘Number VII’ and ‘Number VIII’ for them. Tomorrow, they won’t be Axel and—no. They’ll be pretending to be Lea and Isa, starting tomorrow.

Saïx touched the now welcoming Entrance, with just few fingers first, ignoring the noise in his head that was growing and growing, but he no longer cared, he had new plans now, Axel was already deserter, right? And so, he had to be one, as well, to protect the fool from his stupid ideas—

Pain.

Pain.

PAIN!!!

Overpowering, shutting everything, every idea.

PAIN.

There was only pain now, splitting his forehead, and in that second, there was no freedom, no castle or Atlantis, no Axel or Lea, no Xemnas or Axel, there was nothing but pure Darkness of Pain, of hurt,

Nothing mattered but that Pain, that hurt, overpowering all other senses

And

He

Wished

To

Die

And—

Stop being himself, stop feeling that Pain, that Hurt, that damned--- FUCK--- STOP HURTING---STOP<

He’d do anything---

That pain was

Worse than NOISE

Worse than death

Worse than nonexitence---

********************

Through the PAIN, SaïX thought he heard some stupid voice—that should now be in Atlantis, not here in Darkness—

So it was indeed a very stupid voice, coming back for no reason—

******

PAIN.

****

PAIN.

FUCK it.

******

PAIN. painpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainPAINPA—

****

  
" I----Saïx, your scar...!! Stupid thing, I'll go steal some potions from Zexion!!!"

  
" From ZeXion? LeXaeus will kill you-"  
" Worth it!"  
Corridor.

  
As Axel left through it, the noise lessened. Without Axel, there was almost no noise. And the scar tissue almost healed - almost immediately.  
Cause and effect, somehow... so, to talk with Axel was to reopen the scar...? How? Why?  
That's... okay. That just meant SaïX had to either get used to that ugly scar hurting every day, and maybe someday making SaïX bleed into a week long comma again, and again, or make Axel - Lea's Nobody - perish. He wondered, and he chose the former. Worth it. Perhaps, when Axel came back with unnecessary potions - he could kiss it better. The scar. Hah.

***

‘Isa! Here, a megalixir! Zexion will murder me in my sleep, I know, but I don’t care! Here, Isa, take this!’

Pain.

‘Oh, man, can you move?’

Pain.

‘Here, let me here, Isa. You don’t do a thing, I’ll just use it on You.’

Pain.

And Darkness. He needed to rest.

******

„Okay, should be all done now!”

Somehow, the pain was receding. And now the Noise was growing. It got scared off by the Pain, that Noise, so now, naturally, the noise, like nails on the chalkboard, was coming back.

„Your eyes are green,” Saïx said, opening his eyes, looking into Axel’s. It.. it needed to be said?

„Well, yours are yellow now. Like the Moon, I guess? It’s pretty.”

„Yours are green.”

He needed to say it. He wanted it.

He grabbed Axel by the neck and kissed him, despite ostensible protest.

Well, if he was protesting, why, then, was he kissing back? Stupid Lea. Only he had this much power over Isa, ever. He no longer wished to die.

However, what about their desertion?

‘We’re not running,” AXe--- Lea --?---Lea, that was the name, Lea--- said, after a kiss. ‘Now where would I get potions for your stupid X scar if we did?’

„You’re right.”

‘I… about kissing…”

„Shsh.”

Nothing could be said. Today was a mistake. Wasn’t it? Sa--- Isa---- wondered.

One he’d never regret, or would regret utterly. He wasn’t--- certain, but… He couldn’t ask, not even the moon.

He didn’t want to hear the answer. Never.

Because if he heard an answer, he had a feeling he’d regret living to hear it. Forever.

"Hey, what's this?"

They suddenly heard someone say, some stranger. Through the Corridor. From the other side?

"Nifty! Hey, can I come here?"

And then, somebody came. A humanshaped nobody. With a very moronic haircut, or at least, Isa would've thought so. And with a guitar? Strange.

Still, they had no idea who it was. A Nobody?

„Should I kill it?” Axel asked Saïx, politely.

„I don’t know. It doesn't look too dangerous."

"Oh, I don't know. It has a guitar, man. A guitar. Might rock you to death!"

"Doubtful. Let's see first if it's sentient."

"Let's, I guess."

And so, they turned to see.

"I'm utterly sentient! Are you two some lovebirds? How cute!"

Well, that remained to be seen. For now.

"He knows too much, I'll kill him."

The newcomer panicked.

"No, wait, I got it wrong, you're mortal nemeses, okay?? Or whatever you wanna! My mouth's shut as a grave, don't kill me!!"

**************

Maybe they should ask Lord Xemnas, Saïx wondered. What to do about the ninth, that is.

Perhaps tomorrow. Right now, what he truly wanted, wished, was to kiss Axel one more time, because it might never happen again.

As if it was Ἁρμαγεδών, today. That day.

********  
Six years ago, now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next part is less confusing, and I actually begin to write descriptions, and not just dialogue, thoughts, etc. Yeah.
> 
> A/N 2: Yes, now Demyx is in the Organisation because Saix and Axel once thought about deserting, and then didn't. Why not? Accidents happen! :D He's a product of indecision, or, something something. In this verse. Why not, nobody ever said he's not. XD
> 
> (Otherwise he might still be chilling in Atlantis. Or wherever. :D )


End file.
